Metal Gear Eva Thingy
by Crash Ichimonji
Summary: From the guy that was a high school friend of Shinagami! Metal Gear Solid 2: Snake TalesEva crossover with a twist...of fruits....Yeah, they're all fruits in this. Just read it to see what I mean.
1. Metal Gear Eva Thingy

Disclaimer: I do NOT Evangelion and all its respected names, ideas, creatures, and characters, Gainax and that blessed Anno guy do. I also don't Metal Gear Solid, its characters, names, themes, and ideas; Hideo Kojima, Sony Computer Entertainment, and Konami do. I also do not own the Irony Gods, Jeffrey, and the ASS Field; the author formally known as Shinagami and presently known as Mathis478 does. I also don't own any of the OTHER copyrighted titles, names, and brands listed in this story.

However…I do own the ideas listed here that haven't been used yet in anything, and if they HAVE, well, then I don't own anything but my lucky fur hat.

Author's Note:

I love the zaniness of the Eva fics 'Evanjellydonout', 'The Rei Chronicles', and 'Underdog' as well as the far-out craziness of the Metal Gear Solid 2: Substance 'Snake Tales' game 'External Gazer', so, being the poser I am, have taken upon myself the task of constructing something that can meld the two main ideas together into something that WON'T have three eyes, an ass cheek, and a two-thumbed arm growing out of it. I don't ask you to think I'm the coolest because I'm copying my best friend Mathis here, BUT, I am asking that you at least read this with an open mind. Be warned in this first chapter, expect to see lots of quiche, a deranged goddess, a rabid shi-tzu, over-cooked Texas Pete Buffalo sauce, the German National Anthem, and a person overdosing on anti-histamines. Without further adieu, the fic!

Blank sat there in the forest behind a tree, his sweat at a stand still, his breathing long and silent. All but one of his men were gone, shot by the enemy. That redheaded bitch and the blue-haired sniper took them out easily; and if that wasn't a kick in the crotch, that Ninja was still on the loose too. Normally, he would have panicked and spazzed out in such a tense situation, or rather, SHINJI IKARI would, but that wasn't him anymore. No, he was much more than that twerp could ever be. He was Blank, close-range combat-specialist of the Nerv Squad of Team Purple. This was his home, this was his domain, and he'd be damned if Blitzen or any of her cronies beat them. All he had were some C rations, his single-action Berretta M92F with just 12 shots left, and a scout knife for close-quarters. He gave a quiet sigh.

"I need to know if I can trust you to take out Range," he asked the new recruit, Spray, a wizard with his Spas 12 gauge shotgun and his 1911 gas-blowback.

"Just make sure you take out Blitzen," he grinned. "I know she's got a score to settle with the two of us, but, I'd appreciate it if you distracted her first."

"Roger. I can handle her at close-quarters easily, it's Range I'm worried about."

"I'll have to take the Roshi-Approach, but, I should be able to get within firing distance. Just do me a favor," he added.

"What?"

"When this is over, we have a remembrance party, for the sake of Sprint and Gear."

"Sure." Blank took out his little mirror and used it to periscope a glimpse at the battlefield ahead of him. Blitzen was slightly noticeable behind a black pine with her G36 Commando. With a cock of his M9's slide, Blank stood up with Spray, both of them ready to give Team Red hell. "Let's rumble."

----------------------------------

Schwartzwald (aka- Crash Ichimonji) sat at his computer screen after typing his hook and waited for something. This something was his invocation to a muse of some sort, like so many great authors before him did. At the very moment he hit the letter 'e' on his keyboard, something happened. Something BIG. Something that would shake the very UNIVERSE AS WE KNOW IT.

But he forgot what it was.

ANYHOW, something else happened, an instant message popped up on his screen from an old friend of Schwartz. A certain author currently stationed in Korea as a US Army tank infantryman. His name was Mathis478, but Schwartz knew him simply as 'Matt'. This is what went on between the two.

Mathis: yo

Schwartz: hey

Mathis: sup?

Schwartz: Writers' block

Mathis: I see. Can't think of an idea for a fic?

Schwartz: No, I bought a writers' block and put it on my desk so I couldn't write. It's all the rage in Paris.

Mathis: dumbass…

Schwartz: What did you do when you didn't have any inspiration?

Mathis: Pib.

Schwartz: I'll use Pepsi then….

Mathis: Westerner...

Schwartz: Whatever. That all?

Mathis: Well, there was the whole "locking Logic up in my freezer" gig I did for Underdog.

Schwartz: Ah.

Mathis: Yup, that's about it. Just do me a favor

Schwartz: Yeah?

Mathis: Don't copy me…or else

Schwartz: (a little taken back by his friend's threat) Um, sure (he lies)

Mathis: Um, dude, I can see the parenthesis.

Schwartz: Damn…You didn't see those.

Mathis: Yes I did.

Schwartz: I…um…I think I hear my mute grandmother calling me, g2g!

Mathis: Huh? Hey wai-

…And then Schwartzwald exited his AIM and AOL windows and began writing his funniest work yet (and really one of his ONLY works).

Snake was tired. For the past three and a half hours, he and his fellow Philanthropy partner Otacon had been trying to sort out all the bugs in their VR system. Recently, they had been through a strange ordeal involving parallel universes using a special VR generator made by one Dr. Kopplethorn.

"Otacon, How much longer is this gonna take?" Snake groaned in his VR seat.

"Just a little more…" Hal Emmerich said as he typed furiously away at his computer. "I've managed to find a huge load of unnecessary RAM from some download site."

"What is it?"

"It looks like…Well, most of it is from a site called Albino Black Sheep dot com, and a bunch of boot-leg Sailor Moon episodes dubbed in Spanglish and Chinese," the otaku cocked an eyebrow at his friend.

"Spanglish? Wasn't that an Adam Sandler movie?" Snake said as he got up to see what his compatriot was talking about it. True to his words, the computer was backed up with over 300 gigabytes of Sailor Moon, the Llama Song, the Deranged Cartoon Movie, and at least fifteen opened files of the Numa Numa kid.

"There, I've managed to highlight all the information and files. All that's left now it to click 'delete' and…"

However, at this very same time, in another universe taking place in a different time period, something similar was going on. Dr. Ritsuko Akagi, the brilliant blonde-haired scientist known well for her ability to manage the MAGI computer system, and known even MORE for her ability to be a psychotic clone-killer, was about to hit the delete button for eradicating the Twelfth Angel.

Now, it should be noted that hitting the delete button on any sort of digital device is a tricky process. People often think when they delete a file or folder, it simply disappears like magic. Well, they are only half right. When you consider the theory that the entire universe is actually a vast computer program equivalent to a larger-scale version of Microsoft Windows XP being used by a chubby otaku from Zendous Prime, things seem to make more sense. Yes, our universe has many copies of it on these Zendousian otakus' uber-quantum computers, each having a vast universe that is their computer and all its programs. All life in our universe is nothing more than a program file that may open up at the click of these otaku-lords and all extinctions and catastrophic events are merely the closing of certain parts of programs on a planet file. When something is 'deleted' by the programs themselves, be it on computers or by killing something in a mass extinction, the data is sent over an Ethernet wire that exchanges information with another otaku's computer, and then pooled into a new Dell Uber-Quantum laptop for a new otaku to join the net.

This is how computers reproduce.

However, when two universes connected together have programs hitting delete at the exact same time, the Ethernet opens up a quantum singularity and pools not just the deleted information, but also key programs being used at the time, into not a new computer, but into the computer with the quantum singularity. The singularity is then the epicenter of all things weird, abnormal, and just plain spammy.

Yeah, that's what happened as both respected doctors hit the doomed 'delete' button in their connected universes.

A massive white light enveloped both universes. One in Manhattan, one in Tokyo-3. Instantly, Snake, Otacon, and a few other characters that will be revealed later, were transported to the Evangelion computerverse. Flying and flailing in a vast vortex of strange lights and sounds, which is similar to going through a blue whale's birth canal when intoxicated by eating the dried remains of Texas Pete Buffalo sauce cooked in a microwave for two minutes on high power, the characters were thrust into the computerverse of the Evangelion otaku. And just as the many Metal Gear Solid characters were flung out of their special time-tunnel, someone stopped all functions to have a look. To be more specific, SOMEONES…er…a GROUP of individuals stopped all functions in their computerverse to do their job. These four were well-known for making certain things happen in the universe, in fact they were so very good at what they did, that the Zendousian otaku all bought or downloaded boot-leg copies of their program for their computers. To them, they were the best spyware-eliminating program for putting spyware programs and other random information in funnily ironic places. To their respected computerverses, they were known as 'The Irony Gods.'

Schwartzwald gets a knock on his door. He gets up to answer it and finds a lone box the size of a basketball at the door's entrance with a card on it reading 'to Schwartzwald, from Mathis'.

"Awesome, he sent me a gift!" Schwartzwald cheered as he hurriedly opened the package, only to have a rabid shi-tzu attack his face, desperately clawing and gnawing on his big nose. Instantly, a tape recording plays from the inside of the box with the voice of Mathis saying,

'This is for trying to mess with my story. Be more original next time.'

"What, the whole computerverse-thing WASN'T!" he calls as he throws the little fur-ball across the room and pulls out his electric XM8 airsoft gun. "Time to learn you some manners!" he yells as he begins to fire at the dog, missing purposely, but scaring it out of his house. "Phew! Now, back to my story."

Yes, that's right. The Irony Gods are nothing more than a computerverse version of Adaware software for putting new information and programs into funnily ironic places at funnily ironic times. But, they were not the ONLY ones diverting the incoming data. No, another entity was as well. 'She' did not grasp any of the Metal Gear Solid information and programs, however, she took possession of something greater: the quantum singularity. She did so in a so-ironic-that-it-was-predictable sort of way: by simply walking past the Irony Gods and taking the singularity right in front of them. Yes, this was her style at doing things, which was why the Irony Gods did not like her nor let her in to be an Irony Goddess (plus, it was a 'No Icky Girls Allowed' sort of club the three original Irony Gods created).

Throughout history, there have been great men who did strange and great things. Behind each of them was woman with the power to control even the mightiest of them. Her name, well that was hard to describe. Saying her REAL name would take the time-span of roughly 3 million years, 7 months, 15 days, 22 hours, 9 minutes, and 59 seconds to pronounce the first syllable in English alone (and that's if you DON'T use a Puerto Rican accent). For now, let's just call her Debbie. Yes, Debbie was the one who controlled many great world leaders as their wives or girlfriends in a dominatrix sort of way. Leaders such as the Roman emperor Caligula, the squat French dictator Napoleon, and even the mighty Joseph Stalin, were all hen-pecked by Debbie in one way or another. Anyhow, Debbie took the singularity and put it somewhere secret, somewhere safe, somewhere…somewhere so ironic that it was painfully obvious, when no one was looking, and where no one even bothered to look.

Meanwhile, the Irony Gods busily put away the MGS characters in all the funnily ironic places in Tokyo-3, and then started up the computerverse again.

"Wha? AAAAAHHHHHH?" Asuka shrieked as she lay nude in her entry plug in the Geofront, but not because of that. It was because that as a man in a tight fitting blue sneaking suit with a bandana wrapped around his head and a cigarette in his mouth (though the LCL put out the light) appeared right in front of her in the plug.

"The hell!" Snake said in shock as he turned himself around to not gaze at the nude redhead, even if she WAS hot.

"What's going on? Is the Angel gone?" Shinji asked as he covered himself and tried to make sense of everything, which didn't really happen for him. It must have been a Thursday; he never really knew what to do with Thursdays.

"Pilot Sohryu," Rei asked quietly. "What are you screaming for? I was under the impression you were no longer uncomfortable with our lack of clothing." You could almost see Rei tilt her head as she talked with the Second Child. Of course you could see a lot of OTHER things about Rei right then.

"How CAN I when some GUY just pops into my entry plug and sees me naked?" the Second Child fumed as she tried to hit, strangle, and beat the crap out of the mercenary. "And don't you DARE smoke in here! Second-hand smoke will give my beautiful face wrin-"

PFFT! went Snake's tranquilizer M9 as a dart hit Asuka's neck and caused her to fall back into her seat, snoring lightly.

"Damn, what a brat…" Snake sighed as he pocketed his cigarette, since this clear liquid surrounding him wouldn't let it be lit.

"Who are you, individual that is inside Pilot Sohryu's entry plug?" Rei asked in a very expressionless, yet intrigued way.

"That's not important. I don't even know what the hell's going on," Snake spat at the clone girl's question as he tried to find an exit out of this pod of some sort.

"Pilot Ikari, the Second Child might be in danger with this new arrival. We must stop him from harming Pilot Sohryu."

Shinji got a funny and perverted scene in his head of Rei in the nude doing Dead or Alive attack moves to beat up a scruffy-looking man that Shinji now imagined was his father.

Deep within Nerv…

A Rei clone crawled its way out of its containment tank and ran all the way up through the elevator, admiring the nice soothing elevator rendition of 'Fly Me to the Moon', and sprang into the Nerv control room. There, it went unnoticed by the bridge bunnies, Dr. Akagi, and Misato, as they were busy with a predicament that will be described in a moment. The clone girl hopped up to the Commander station and stared at Gendo.

Gendo turned and stared at the clone.

The clone moved closer to Gendo.

Gendo moved closer to the girl.

The girl brought her face an inch away from Gendo's.

Gendo was about to merge with the girl, thinking it was Rei III, but then the girl performed a front snap-kick, knocking his jaw loose for a second and sending him to the floor with a bloody mouth and nose. The clone-girl then put up a "V for Victory" sign and then collapsed on the floor, soulless once more.

"Any comment, Commander?" Fuyutski asked as he helped his superior up.

"No. Let's just pretend that never happened," Gendo said as he took his position of glowering over everything.

It was at that time that Shinji then wished for .0000000001 seconds to be in the same entry plug with Rei, just so he could see her without her clothes…again. Before he knew what was going on, he suddenly felt very comfortable in his seat. His seat apparently had an auto inflation to it that made it so soft and tender to lie back on. It even had two soft neck bracers that rested nicely on his shoulders that he tilted his head to the side on, enjoying its auto-warming sequence and its soft and jiggling texture.

"Mmm…This isn't so bad I guess…" Shinji sighed as he curled up in his new favorite place: sitting on top of one nude Rei Ayanami.

"Pilot Ikari, I am not a pillow nor am I an arm chair," Rei said in a cold yet soothing voice. Like the sound a platypus makes when its tail gets placed on a warm water bottle and it's given a full manicure and pedicure down at Hung Chow's Nail Salon.

"Huh, what?" Shinji snapped up and turned around to see the blue-haired clone girl looking at him with the usual expressionless face. "YAAAAAA!" he yelped as he tried to swim away in the LCL to behind Rei's seat, facing the opposite direction.

"Pilot Ikari. Why are you in my entry plug?"

"I…Um...I don't know…" Shinji blushed a color that would make most tomatoes look pale and sickly.

"This seems strange, Pilot Ikari, you are in my entry plug when you were just in your own. It almost seems funnily ironic," Rei mused aloud as she turned around to face Shinji. "Does this situation not seem similar to something we may have experienced, yet we have no recollection of?"

"Um…Ayanami…Could you maybe look another way…?" Shinji gulped as he covered himself.

"Please, Ikari, I am trying to deduce the origin of our situation in order to determine what is afoot here."

"Um…Ok…Something breasts- Ironic! I mean ironic!" Shinji mentally kicked himself for his Freudian slip as he suddenly found himself looking not into Rei's eyes, but at another set of orbs a few inches below.

"Pilot Ikari, are you uncomfortable with the female form?" Rei sighed.

"Yes- er…No…I mean…"

"Is this not the third time you have seen my body without my clothes? Are you not used to it by now?" Rei decided she would push the issue with Shinji. BIG mistake.

"Yes, I mean, NO!" Shinji blushed hard as he tried his hardest to look away. "What's this have to do with finding out what's going on?" he squirmed as Rei suddenly sat in front of him, holding his face to look at her, forcing droplets of blood to drip slowly from his left nostril.

"If we are to solve the mystery of the Freaky Phantom, we have to work together, Scooby-Doo…"

Schwartzwald suddenly realizes that watching TV and typing shouldn't be done at the same time….

"If we are to solve the mystery of this strange flow of events, we must be able to function with each other in this sort of situation," she said in the most sobering way, and yet it was so enticing to hear for Shinji.

"Ah…OK, I'll just try not to stare at you and your…um…"

"My mammaries?"

"Good enough."

"And I will not stare at you and your pe-"

"Ok!" Shinji sputtered. He focused all his attention on Rei's face. Something about her face seemed familiar to the boy…Like it belonged to someone he knew…

"Now, Pilot Ikari, we must arrange a time to meet and try and accomplish our goal to figure out how all these funnily ironic things are occurring. Do you agree?" Again, the platypus at Hung Chow's kind of tone.

"Um, sure, ok. How about tomorrow maybe at…um…The bookstore! Yeah, that's a good place to start this at," Shinji beamed as he felt a sense of pride in himself for taking charge of a situation. And every time Shinji feels proud of himself for taking charge of a situation, and angel gets its wings…

And thus God said to the little angel,

"Go forth and do good for the world, for you now have your wings."

The angel smiled gleefully as it spread its new alabaster wings and flew into the Earth sky to set right all that was wrong with the world, starting with destroying the other six Angels and making the world a safer place.

"No, Pilot Ikari, your home would be a better selection," Rei argued, still expressionless.

"But…Crap…" Shinji slumped as he realized he didn't feel so proud of himself anymore. Far away, a small voice cried in terror as an angel lost its wings and fell to the Earth, splattering into quiche as it hit the ground, for empyrial substance is…Well, we'll explain that later…

"Your home will have Pilot Sohryu, and with her help, we may find out what is going on much more efficiently."

"But Asuka is so…Um…" Shinji wondered just how he could say this without this story losing its PG-13 rating. "Bitchy."

Rei blinked.

And somewhere out there, in a parallel computerverse, Asuka bashers heard Shinji's words. And there was much rejoicing /…yay…/

"I do agree that Pilot Sohryu's personality resembles a female Irish setter in heat," Rei said frankly. And throughout the same computerverse, Rei-fans let out a customary 'Ayanami Yahoo' /…yahoo…/. "But, we will need her help in this."

"Um, ok."

"And Pilot Ikari?"

"Yes?"

"Please avert you gaze from my breasts the next time we speak."

Shinji suddenly looked away after he realized he had gotten his wish.

At the very moment Asuka screamed because the great Solid Snake appeared in her entry plug, a similar incident occurred in the command center of Nerv.

"What? Who the hell are you?" Misato asked as she saw a skinny man in a lab coat wearing glasses appear right beside her. In a lizard's heartbeat, the major pulled out her Glock and the two male bridge bunnies got out their sub-machineguns, all of them aiming at the intruder with big exclamation marks over their heads.

"Um, I take it this ISN'T the men's room?" Otacon laughed weakly as he looked at the three dangerous uniformed people ready to shoot his head off.

"What's going on?" a voice called out as its owner crawled out of the Magi CPU center. Out came Dr. Ritsuko Akagi: a woman known by many names in her life. In her childhood, she was 'Ritsu the Brain' for her ingenious skills in academics that left her classmates furious in jealousy, forcing them to ostracize her throughout her school years. In her teens, she was 'Braceface Akagi', noted for her horrendous overbite, her rodent-like buck-teeth, her crooked molars, and one tooth that was somehow coming out to the side and in the shape of Abraham Lincoln's profile. In college, she was 'The Ice Queen', notorious for her unapproachable demeanor. For the men in her life that DID manage to survive the whole 'asking out' process (for she performed her OWN physicals on the potential boyfriends /insert rubber glove snapping sound/ before she would let them date her) well, the break ups were murder. In fact, they never did figure out where Osaki's liver and arms went after he asked the blonde-haired woman to 'just be friends.'

Nonetheless, Dr. Ritsuko Akagi was a woman who many feared and few respected…ok, ONE respected, and just as the good doctor crawled out of the CPU system, that one person caught a glimpse at her sempai's panty-line from her tight-fitting skirt.

"Who's this guy?" Ritsuko asked as she caught a good look at the otaku before the group.

"That's what I want to know…" Misato snorted. Then, she took out her handkerchief and blew her nose. "Blah…Damn eternal summertime allergies…" she grumbled.

"You know, a little Claritin will fix that up," Dr. Akagi said matter-of-factly.

"What? No, Zyrtec is the best for this time of the year," Aoba argued.

"Nonononono," Maya sighed. "Allegra is the way to go. I just popped one last night and I'm as clear as the sky today," she smiled.

"You're all wrong," Hyuuga said. "She'll get dopey and drowsy with those medications. She obviously needs a few quick sprays of Flonase so she can get better AND still stay here to carry out her duties. Right, Major?"

"I'b sure I'll be find…" Misato laughed weakly as her nasal passageways began clogging up.

"Uh…Am I still under arrest?" Hal Emmerich asked, confused at what was going on now.

"Just a second!" the bridge bunny trio, Misato, and her old college buddy all shut up the scientist as they continued their squabble.

"I'm telling you, the new Claritin W is the best thing for these days where the pollen count is over 142."

"Yeah, if you want the sore throat, runny nose, and cough! Zyrtec's side-effects are nothing compared to that."

"I beg to differ. Zyrtec 42 IS affective against animal dander and mold, but it does the same amount against pollen as taking a cold pill does. This is why Allegra Pb is better."

"You're ALL full of crap. Allegra Pb is rumored to have bovine growth hormones in it! Weekly World News said so themselves. That's why she needs Flonase."

"Um, I'm gonna check these computers for a second, hope you don't mind," Otacon said as he snuck over to Maya's station and began typing away.

"Look, I'b find!" Misato growled.

"You're 'find'?" Ritsuko smirked.

"I meant 'find'! Find! I'm….I'm well," Misato humphed.

"Major, you need a little TLC," Hyuuga cooed as he placed his hands on his crush's shoulders, massaging them slightly.

"He's right, you need to lie down and rest," Aoba agreed as he took Misato's left hand.

"Plus, you need lots of fluids," Ritsuko said as she took Misato's other hand.

"And then you can take an Allegra Pb, and you'll wake up all better," Maya said.

Instantly, all of Misato's 'friends' glared at each other in ways that would scare even the deadly Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka.

"Claritin!" the blonde doctor declared as she took out a little round pill and shoved it into Misato's throat.

"Zyrtec!" Aoba said as he used a sling-shot to launch a purplish pill into her now open mouth.

"Allegra!" Maya yelled as she flicked a pink pill into the major's maw.

"Flonase!" Hyuuga finally said as he fired to large puffs of anti-histamine into Katsuragi's nose. The four glared at one another for seconds on end, until they heard a loud GULP from behind them. They all looked and were shocked to see a rather dazed and dizzy Misato Kasturagi wobble about with a glazed and almost drunken look on her face.

"Heh heh heh heh…" She said with a very plastered grin as she finally collapsed on the ground, snoring slightly.

The four simply stared.

And stared.

And stared.

And stared.

And stared

And-

THWACK! went something above the four as the looked up to see a naked Rei clone front-snap kick Commander Ikari in the jaw, sending him to the ground. The clone gave a 'V for Victory' sign and then collapsed at the station.

"Oh, ok. I know what the problem is," Otacon grinned as he finished his typing and turned to the group, who simply gave him a blank stare.

"Uh, who are you again?" Ritsuko asked

"Um…Magi Maintenance?" he smiled weakly.

"You're too late. Sempai already solved the problem we had, so, uh, you can go now," Maya shooed the otaku out the door.

"But wait," Otacon argued. "Your system has a-"

"Out!" Lieutenant Ibuki proclaimed as she shoved the grey-haired man out of the command center, the automatic door shutting behind him. "Damn him…" she cursed to herself silently.

"Maya?" the group finally called her attention, Ritsuko holding up Misato's legs, Aoba and Hyuuga holding up her arms.

"Oh, I see. Sempai, will the Major be alright? She did kind of over-dose on anti-histamines," she blushed.

"Oh, don't worry. A day's rest at her hectic place and she'll be back to her old beer-swilling self in no time," the good doctor smiled, secretly wishing she could beat the crap out of that damn Rei clone for messing with the commander….Oh, and for the whole escaping-thing too.

Fuyutski held the ice pack under Gendo's jaw, which had swollen up now, and whispered to him.

"What should we do next, Ikari?"

"We should proceed as planned and have Section 2 abduct both the man who Lieutenant Ibuki pushed out of here and the one that we heard over the entry plug communications system. Then, we must interrogate them to see if they are in fact from Seele. After that, we must-"

"Ikari, I meant about your jaw. You should probably see a doctor for it."

FWAK! Gendo gave an upper-cut to his sub-commander in the eye for making him look so stupid.

"Right…I'll get section 2 on the line immediately…" Kozou sighed as he walked over to the red phone and gave the orders.

Snake: Otacon, can you hear me?

Otacon: Yeah. Sorry I didn't contact you earlier. I ran into some of the commanding officers here.

Snake: Hey, no problem. I got in a…weird situation myself.

Otacon: Couldn't be weirder than mine.

Snake: Trust me, my welcoming committee was pretty strange.

Otacon: What did you encounter?

Snake: When the light disappeared, I suddenly was in a giant tube or pod with a teenage redhead that was naked.

Otacon: Redhead?

Snake: Yeah, a real pain in the ass too. Kept kicking and screaming. I had to put her to sleep with a tranquilizer dart.

Otacon: I bet it was because you still need to shave. I keep telling you the Abraham Lincoln look is so out these days.

Snake: No, it was actually because I had my cig with me.

Otacon: Well, cigarettes aren't exactly fashionable these days either.

Snake: Shut up.

Otacon: Heh. Anyway, I looked at this place's schematics and saved them to a spare disk I had with me.

Snake: Do you always carry around blank disks to save information from every computer you meet?

Otacon: Uh-! I can quit any time! I don't have a problem!

Snake: Sheesh, and you think my smoking's bad

Otacon: Shut up.

Snake: So, where exactly are we?

Otacon: Well, I think WHEN is a better question.

Snake: Huh?

Otacon: I think that tunnel thing we went through-

Snake: The one that felt like going through a blue whale's birth canal while intoxicated on over-microwaved Texas Pete?

Otacon: See? I KNEW that VR simulation would come in handy!

Snake: What are you talking about? It made no sense!

Otacon: Well, you didn't throw up THIS time when you went through the real thing, did you?

Snake: No, but-

Otacon: No, you didn't. And it's because I had you go through that VR simulation that simulated being a baby blue whale being born as a crack baby while being sea-sick that helped you conquer your stomach of going through a blue whale's birth canal while intoxicated on over-microwaved Texas Pete Buffalo sauce! I win!

Snake: …

Otacon: Anyway, where was I?

Snake: Ugh…You seem to find a bright side to everything…Worse than Mei Ling.

Otacon: You know, I don't HAVE to tell you when and where we are…

Snake: Ok, fine. Sorry.

Otacon: Better.

Snake: …

Otacon: Apparently it's the year 2015.

Snake: What?

Otacon: Yep, and that's not all. We're in Tokyo-3.

Snake: What happened to the first two?

Otacon: Hell if I know.

Snake: Alright.

Otacon: Apparently this place has its own military and advanced AI system to run it, and even mechs!

Snake: What!

Otacon: Yeah, they call them 'Evangelions' and they're apparently the greatest weapons known to Man in this universe.

Snake: Crap. Are they activated yet?

Otacon: Not now, but they've been activated off and on several times over the past few months.

Snake: Are they nuke-capable?

Otacon: No, they seem to be nuke-RESISTANT.

Snake: Damn! How the hell do we stop these things from being used in war?

Otacon: Well, that's the bad news.

Snake: This WASN'T bad news!

Otacon: GULP…No, apparently in this universe, mankind is at war with Angels.

Snake: Great, we're in one of you 'Last Fantasy' games…

Otacon: It's 'FINAL Fantasy,' and no, it's worse than that.

Snake: Great…

Otacon: Yeah, these Angels are giant monsters of some sort that make Rex and Ray look like little shi-tzus.

Snake: How big are we talking about?

Otacon: Roughly a hundred and fifty to about two hundred feet tall….

Snake: Just our luck.

Otacon: Yeah, but here's something interesting.

Snake: Lay it on me…

Otacon: The pilots…

Snake: Oh?

Otacon: They're children.

Snake//insert sailor-talk/

Otacon: Hey, did you ever kiss Meryl with that filthy mouth?

Snake: I'm just fricken pissed that they entrust these weapons with kids. Wait, do you know anything about the children?

Otacon: Yeah. There's three of them.

Snake: Who are they?

Otacon: A blue-haired girl named Rei Ayanami, a redhead named Asuka Langely Sohryu, and a-

Snake: A redhead!

Otacon: Don't tell me…

Snake: Damn…I think I may have screwed us over.

Otacon: Better get out…and fast.

Snake: Thing is, I don't know where I am.

Otacon: Hm…what does everything look like around you? I may be able to give you directions or something.

Snake: I'm on top of a white tube of some sort in the middle of a lake in some sort of arboretum.

Otacon: Ah! That's the Geofront.

Snake: The what?

Otacon: Never mind that. Are there other people nearby?

Snake: Two other pods are out here too, one of them has a blue-haired girl and a brown-haired boy looking at me. And…both of them seem naked too from where I'm standing.

Otacon: Oh, the boy, his name's Shinji Ikari.

Snake: Not that it matters…

Otacon: Well, you'll need to get somewhere safe for now, this place's secret service is on its way to capture us.

Snake: Crap…

Otacon: Yeah make sure you-

Guards' Voices: Freeze!

Snake: Otacon!

Otacon: Damn, they got me…

Snake: Where are you?

Otacon: Can't talk; being captured.

Snake: Otacon!

Snake ended his Codec conversation and jumped into the water, swimming to the shore, only to have Section 2 surround him as he made it to the shore, all of them with exclamation marks above there heads.

"Must be Thursday…" he sighed as he was cuffed and taken into the black pyramid structure.

Back in Nerv…

"Ikari, they've apprehended the two suspects," Fuyutski reported.

"Excellent. Let Section Two interrogate them properly." And somewhere out in a parallel computerverse, Metal Gear Solid fans and Gendo-haters all began writing furious threats to Schwartzwald…

"Alright. Tell us everything from the beginning," a rough and tough-looking agent stared as he looked down on the strapped down intruders. "Let's start with you, four-eyes."

"Well, first the Earth cooled, then the dinosaurs came. But they got too fat and turned into oil, and then came the Arabs and they bought Mercedes Benzes and-"

WHHDD! went Otacon's stomach as he was punched in the gut by an agent.

"Real funny."

"Geez…Can't you guys take a joke…?" Hal coughed.

"Well, yeah. In fact, we all love 'Airplane' and 'Airplane Two: the Sequel'," the head interrogation-agent said with a smile as he looked to his fellow suits.

"Yeah, I like the 'little breather' scene. That midget-guy is so frickin' cool!" one agent laughed.

"True, but I think the 'space vacuum' scene was the craziest," the head guy wise-cracked.

"Um, are we going to be interrogated or what?" Otacon asked.

"I like the part where everyone had Nixon faces because they were going 0.5 Warp," on agent remarked.

"Oh yeah, but I love the part with the 'bullshit' and 'unbelievable bullshit' signs for the plane when the attendant said there was no coffee."

"Um…We're still here you know…"

"No, it was because she said there was no reason to panic."

"That's true."

"Me, I liked the metal detector-scene with the Contra guys going through without a blip on the detectors."

"Hey, I think you guys didn't tie our restraints tight enough…."

"You know what other pre-Second Impact movie was funny?"

"No, what?"

"The Big Lebowski."

"Ah! That movie was awesome!"

"Hey, I got out of my restraints, so, I'm gonna untie Snake's now."

"I liked the guy John Goodman played."

"The 'Nam Veteran?"

"Yeah! He was fricken hilarious with his rants and stuff."

"Hey, um, we're gonna leave now."

"Oh yeah, sure. So, where were we?"

"I liked the part with Nihilist Nazi-guys."

"Yeah! And how one guy pulled out a sword!"

"I liked 'The Jesus'."

"Hell yeah. Wish that was my name…."

"Yeah, just so I can say, 'You don't fu-'."

Snake and Otacon snuck out of the Room of Stupidity and crept into the darkened hallways of Nerv. Snake did his usual 'sneaking-point' gig while Otacon simply walked behind him. When the coast was clear, the two consulted one another.

"I guess in THIS parallel universe," Otacon laughed. "We're the smart ones."

"Yeah. For being trained soldiers, they sure don't know much about staying focused," Snake chuckled lightly. "So, Otacon, what should we do? This universe has mechs worse than a Metal Gear."

"Yeah, I know. Give me a few minutes to think…" the doctor said as he scratched his chin in deep contemplation. Meanwhile, Snake pulled out one of his cigarettes and lit it. Without thinking, Otacon took out his canister of coolant spray and put out Snake's cig along with coating his face with icy chemicals. It took a few moments for Otacon to realize what he had done. "Oh, sorry Snake…" he blushed as he took out a handkerchief and rubbed off his friend's face, revealing his rather annoyed expression.

"Why do I even bother…" the mercenary sighed. "Just be glad I didn't shoot you with the M9."

"Like Asuka?"

"Who?"

"The redhead."

"Oh. Yeesh, I'd forgotten about that…"

"Wait a second…" Otacon said as his glasses flashed in the profound way glasses do in anime when their wearer has an intellectual moment. "That's it!"

"What's it?"

"The Children!"

"What about them?"

"It's how we'll be able to stop their mechs!"

"Will you PLEASE tell me what you're talking about!"

"Ok," Otacon said as he adjusted his specks on his nose in the OTHER way one shows they are being profound in anime. "I learned a good bit about this place and how it functions. If you give me some time, I can make it seem like we're working for the mother organization of this base so that we can get to the mechs."

"You mean like work as technicians?"

"Well, maybe me. But, I know technology isn't your thing, so, you can be a drill sergeant for-"

"No!"

"But you haven't even heard what I was going to say."

"I KNOW what you're going to say, and I am NOT doing it."

"C'mon…"

"No."

"You'll get paid…"

"I said no."

"…There's great benefits…"

"My answer is still no."

"…Plus, you can pass on your skills to a new generation…"

"There is no way you're going to make me do this!"

"I can't believe you're making me do this…" Snake grumbled as he and Otacon made there way to the command center of Nerv, stepping through the automatic door.

"Huh?" the bridge bunny trio said as they spotted the return of the man in the lab-coat and caught their first glance at a man in a skin-tight blue and cool-grey sneaking suit.

"Sorry about earlier," Otacon said as he pulled out his forged and false paper, handing it to the Dr. Akagi. "We're with the Committee. I'm Doctor Hal Emmerich, Magi systems specialist, and this is…" he said as he nudged Snake in the ribs.

"Captain Solid Snake, combat training specialist assigned for the Children. How do you do?" he said professionally as he put out his had to shake with Ritsuko, who only glared at him in a way that would rival her male lover.

"Why weren't we informed about this? The Committee would have sent to us a notice of such a transfer," the blonde woman spat, sending a loogie into a spittoon.

"Well, the last Angel, the one in the Magi computer system, must have deleted the notification," the otaku put up his clever defense.

"Really now? I can understand the need for the Committee to send us your captain, but, why do we need ANOTHER technician for the Magi? Do they not trust our current technicians?"

"Oh, well…" Otacon coughed, trying to think up a lie. "When I went on your computer system, I found some problems."

"What kind of 'problems'?"

"This!" Otacon proclaimed as he went onto Maya's terminal and opened up several files. Instantly, the Llama Song, the Demented Cartoon Movie, twelve windows of the Numa Numa kid, and episodes of Sailor Moon Season 1 translated in Chinese and Spanglish came up on the computer. 'Thank God all that information got put on this system, or else they'd have figured us out already…' Hal thought to himself happily.

"What the…? Maya! What have I told you about using Casper for surfing the internet!" the good doctor glared at the meek woman.

"B-But…Sempai…" she sputtered.

"No buts, Maya. I have specifically, implicitly, and unequivocally told you time and again NEVER to use the Magi to go online. But do you listen? No!"

"Sempai, I swear it wasn't me!" the brunette tried to defend herself, but couldn't stand up to her sempai's righteous fury.

"I don't want to hear your excuses, Maya," Ritsuko sighed to calm herself. "See me after our shift is over in 'The Room'."

Maya gasped.

"Now, delete this crap before I decide to add anything ELSE onto your list of disciplinary corrections for today. Understood?"

"Yes, Sempai…" Maya slumped in her seat as she deleted the movies and flash files from the Metal Gear Solid computerverse.

"Now, Dr. Emmerich, I suppose you WILL have some work to do here since my lieutenant seems to goof around a bit. I'm appointing you to be my First Lieutenant."

"Sure. Thanks…" Otacon blushed as he found there was something…something comfortably familiar about her uber-bitchy-commanding-attitude.

Maya glared at the otaku behind her sempai's back.

"Now, as for you, Captain Snake," Ritsuko turned to the former FOXHOUND commando.

"Yes?" Snake shrugged.

"Section Two will take care of Lieutenant Emmerich and your living quarters and see that you two are placed accordingly."

"Affirmative," he saluted.

"Now, as soon as Misato gets well, you'll report to her. We'll inform you when she arrives sometime tomorrow."

"Misato?"

"Your superior: Major Misato Katsuragi. She's our operations commander here at Nerv. You'll be reporting to her from now on. Oh, Maya?" the blonde woman turned to her Second Lieutenant.

"Y-Yes, sempai?" the other woman squeaked as she looked up at her superior with fear.

"Make arrangements for Lieutenant Emmerich and Captain Snake…Um, why IS your name Solid Snake?" she turned back to the mercenary.

"It's my codename for being in the espionage service of the Committee. My real name's…Pliskin. Iroquis Pliskin." Otacon silently groaned at his friend's response.

"I see. I suppose Captain Snake is a little better than Captain Pliskin," Ritsuko shrugged as she hovered over Maya, intently watching her subordinate as she typed away at arranging the living quarters of the new captain. A small apartment located in the outskirts of the city appeared on screen: number 314. "Strange, why do I get the feeling I've seen that apartment complex before?" the good doctor thought out loud. "Well, if it's what the Magi say is a good residence for the captain and Lieutenant Emmerich, I suppose there's no reason to argue."

"Alright then," Otacon smiled as he clapped his hands together. "So, when do we move in?"

"Whenever it's best for you two," Dr. Akagi sighed as she pulled Maya by her ear and dragged her out of the room. "Now, excuse us. I have to teach my SECOND Lieutenant a lesson on using Nerv equipment PROPERLLY…"

Everyone blinked at the site…Several times…

The Katsuragi residence was in its usual state of peace and tranquility as Misato slept lightly in her bed while her two human roommates talked politely to one another.

"I KNOW I you saw my breasts and ass when we were walking to our entry plugs! Just admit it!" a certain redhead fumed at a cowering brunette boy.

"I swear I didn't! You have to believe me Asuka…" Shinji sank lower in his seat on the couch as his fellow Eva pilot glowered down at him more and more.

"Oh SURE, like I'd believe a sex-starved pervert like you! I bet you were fantasizing about me too!" Asuka started cracking her knuckles.

"I'd never do that!" the poor boy tried to defend himself.

"Oh REALLY? Prove it!" she grinned a toothy grin that would make Mad Pierro jealous.

"Um…It's kinda embarrassing…" he tried to avert his gaze from the she-demon's piercing azure stare.

"Ha! You do fantasize about me!"

"No, I don't!"

"Yes you do!

"No I don't!"

"Yes you do!"

"No I don't!"

"Then who?"

"Re- Uh….Um…I mean…"

Asuka got a sly look…a very deviously sly look…

"Hear that, Wondergirl? Shinji thinks about you a LOT," she guffawed as she looked over at the blue-haired girl who had been sitting across from the two pilots and watching them argue for the past 15 minutes.

"This is normal. I think about Pilot Ikari a lot too," Rei calmly admitted.

"Eeeewww! Dork-love!" the Second Child made a disgusted and just plain grossed-out look. Rei's next response wasn't what Asuka was expecting either.

"I also think about you very much, Pilot Sohryu."

There was a dramatic pause.

Asuka began the panicked auto-response by covering her ears and singing (or rather YELLING) her fatherland's national anthem.

"Deutschland, Deutschland über alles, über alles in der Welt!"

Meanwhile Shinji turned bright scarlet and sputtered like an idiot.

"Uh-Rei...Um…I…Uh"

"Wenn es stets zu Schutz und Trutze Brüderlich zusammenhält!"

"You think…Us…?

"Von der Maas bis an die Memel, von der Etsch bis an den Belt!"

"When you're…Touching…?"

"Deutschland, Deutschland über alles, über alles in der Welt!"

"Yourself?" Shinji nearly fainted as his nose began to bleed and Asuka began the second verse.

"No," Rei calmly corrected Ikari the Younger.

"Huh?" the said Child suddenly got the color in his face to be less crimson.

"Deutsche Frauen, deutsche Treue!" Asuka continued.

"Asuka!" Shinji elbowed the redhead in her thigh, which was his first mistake: stopping a fiery-haired German girl from singing her nation's anthem. His second mistake and far worse was even thinking he could place any part of his body other than his face on any part of Asuka's body other than her hand.

"You!" Sohryu turned and faced the male pilot, who suddenly felt very small and insignificant at that very moment. And thus the German pilot went into anti-Shinji mode and mercilessly pummeled the poor boy with a barrage of fists and feet followed by slaps that would normally make impressions in 12 gauge steel. But she didn't get to finish, as Shinji used his final escape plan for such a beating: distraction. And thus with a simple gesture to Rei, Asuka ceased her attack to look over at the clone girl.

"And as for YOU! How dare you think about me in that way! Eeewwww! That's just sick! I knew you were weird but….Mein Gott! That's like something an otaku would write about in an anime! Blech!" she began to gag.

"I did not mean to insinuate that I think erotic thoughts about either of you," Rei said in her platypus at Hung Chow's voice. Asuka gave a relieved sigh, while a disappointed Shinji bowed his head, perhaps wishing that she was lying about how she thought about him.

"Well then, there's no reason for you to be here. Off you go! Shoo-shoo!" the German girl motioned for the other girl to leave.

"But Asuka," Shinji moaned from deep within the crater Asuka made with him in the couch.

"What? If you want to be with your stupid doll-girl go right ahead and leave with her!" Asuka humphed

"She's….Ow…Here to help us out…"

"With what?"

"The ironic things…that happened today…"

"Pilot Ikari is correct, Pilot Sohyru," Rei explained. "Did it now seem familiar to be amongst such impossible and ironic happenings today? As if we have experienced similar situations before and yet we have no recollection of them?"

"What the hell are you blabbering about?" the redhead spat back.

"Rei means…" Shinji said as he pulled himself out of the couch-hole and onto the floor. "That there may be a force at work here that is making all this happen to us…besides the usual weirdness."

"Oh great, you're gonna get religious on me…"

"No, but, what I meant was the fact that weirder than usual stuff happened to us today."

"Like what?"

Shinji mentally said a few choice words about Asuka before replying, "Like the guy in your entry plug. And Misato getting overdosed on allergy medicines. Doesn't it seem like something similar has happened before? Like in a dream or something?"

"Uh-!" Asuka was stumped at how right Shinji could be, but she couldn't let either of the two pilots know that. "Oh, of course! I thought you meant BESIDES that stuff," she lied.

"So, you agree that we need to figure this out, then?" Shinji asked.

"Meh, sure. I've got nothing else to do anyways," Asuka shrugged.

Suddenly, a knock came from the Katsuragi residence's front door.

"Coming!" Shinji yelled as he went to the intercom system. "Um, may I ask who this is?" the boy said in a most polite manner, pissing Asuka off.

"Oh, it's probably just the other two stoo-" the redhead began as she slid open the door, only to see a man in a lab coat with glasses and… "YOU?" Asuka shrieked as she was confronted with the man that appeared in her entry plug earlier.

"Ugh…You…" Snake sighed.

"Um…Hi," Otacon waved to the Children. "We just moved here, and it turns out that you three do to, I guess. I'm Lieutenant Dr. Hal Emmerich, and this is my friend and associate…"

"Captain Solid Snake…" David sighed. "And you three must be…"

"Asuka…" the German girl groaned.

"Shinji Ikari," Shinji introduced himself, un sure of what was going on.

"Rei Ayanami."

"Ugh…" Asuka grumbled as she went to the kitchen to get some aspirin for the tremendous headache she now harbored. "It must be Thursday…."

(Well? You like? You no like? Thoughts and comments will be appreciated!)


	2. Even Old Sharp Shooters Get Lonely

Disclaimer: I do NOT Evangelion and all its respected names, ideas, creatures, and characters, Gainax and that blessed Anno guy do. I also don't Metal Gear Solid, its characters, names, themes, and ideas; Hideo Kojima, Sony Computer Entertainment, and Konami do. I also do not own the Irony Gods, Jeffrey, and the ASS Field; the author formally known as Shinagami and presently known as Mathis478 does. I also don't own any of the OTHER copyrighted titles, names, and brands listed in this story.

However…I do own the ideas listed here that haven't been used yet in anything, and if they HAVE, well, then I don't own anything but my wooly mammoth Phill.

Author's Notes: (once more…)

Bet the previous chapter made less sense than Excel Saga and FLCL combined, right? Well, you'll eventually see what and why things happened like they did in Chapter 1…Also note that this chapter will have a little less zaniness and a bit more drama (I know what you're thinking: WTF!) because this crazy series IS going to have a plot to it. 'Nough said.

'Metal Gear Eva Thingy' Chapter 2:

"Even Old Sharp-Shooters Get Lonely"

Misato Katsuragi is an interesting woman in the modern Eva computerverse. Almost 30 years old, her love life is more or less nil as a single woman with a stressful job as an operations commander at Nerv HQ. To cope with the fact that she lacks a boyfriend that will say the three words she's waited for him to say, she drinks.

Heavily.

In fact, the Yebisu company is kept in business because Misato Katsuragi's purchases of their beer makes up for about 30 percent of their sales. A lesser-known fact about Misato is that she was named 'Ms. Yebisu' in the company's 2011 pageant (aptly dubbed 'Beauty and the Beer') and kept the title for a good stretch of two years before she began working at Nerv. Add the stress of dealing with the near-apocalyptic worse-case scenarios at random time periods for the past several months to the fact that she's also the legal guardian of two rambunctious teenagers, and anyone can see that she certainly deserves those six-packs she whacks down every day in the morning and at night. Now, add THAT to the fact that she was trying to get over the uber-drowsiness of being over-dosed on over-the-counter allergy medications with the sounds of Shinji and Asuka bickering, and you can certainly say that she wasn't a happy camper.

When all was silent, two thoughts popped into the purple-haired woman's mind:

Shinji and Asuka finally stopped fighting.

Shinji and Asuka finally stopped fighting!

See thought number two again for emphasis.

Instinct told her that Shinji and Asuka suddenly becoming quiet meant something bad had happened, and thus her maternal instincts kicked in like Canadian hockey players and got her more awake than one could manage while one's chemistry was that screwed up.

"Alright, what's going…on…?" Misato asked as she saw Rei, Shinji, Asuka, and two guys she had never seen before in her life all standing at the doorway. Clad only in her nightshirt and panties with obvious bed-head, Misato couldn't help but blush a little. The first man was thin and had dark hair messier than Misato's was at the moment, wearing glasses and dressed in a lab coat over normal attire. The second man caught her attention more. Tall, muscular, and wearing a skin-tight sneaking suit, the second man was the second-handsomest man Misato had ever seen…and she even admitted that there could be a possibility for him to move up a rank on her list in the future…

"Um, you're Major Misato Katsuragi, right?" the skinny man asked. "I'm Lieutenant Dr. Hal Emmerich, Magi Specialist," Otacon said as he came into the house (remembering to kick off his shoes) and enthusiastically shook the Major's hand.

"Um…Hello…?" was all she could think as the second man came in (forgetting to take off his boots, however).

"I'm Captain Snake. Pleasure to meet you ma'am," he saluted as a part of the ruse.

"Captain Snake?" Misato asked with a confused look.

"Snake is my codename, ma'am. My real name is Iroquois Pliskin."

"Um…Ok…At ease, Captain."

It was dead-quiet in the Katsuragi apartment for countless seconds as the six individuals each regarded one another with suspicion.

"Waark!" Pen Pen squawked as he waddled up to his owner and tapped her bare leg with his wing.

"Hm? Oh, Pen Pen," she looked down at her pet. "Out of food again?"

"Waark!"

"I see. Shinji, dear?" she turned to the young boy.

"Huh?"

"Why don't you get Pen Pen his chow while I try to figure out what the hell is going on. Ok?"

"Um, sure, Misato. C'mon Pen Pen," Shinji motioned to the warm-water bird and headed to the kitchen.

"Pen Pen?" Otacon asked as he nudged his friend in the ribs, motioning to his boots, to which Snake grumbled as he removed them.

"Oh, yeah. He's one of those warm-water penguins that have been popping up lately," Misato smiled as she led her guests to the living room couches to sit. "Now then, my head is still a little loopy from the anti-histamines, but I don't recall hearing about you two in Nerv. Did the Committee send you?"

"Well, yes. The file stating our transfer was deleted by the last Angel, apparently," Hal nodded. "My partner and I have been sent by the Committee to help out at Nerv, you see."

"You said you were a lieutenant, Dr. Emmerich, so I gather you'll be working in the command center with me and Dr. Akagi, right?"

"Yes, Dr. Akagi appointed me as her First Lieutenant, so I'm under her orders."

'Hm…I bet Maya wasn't too pleased…' Misato thought to herself. "So then, what about Captain…Snake here?" she looked over at the rugged man with interest.

Snake didn't say anything for a while, and it took another elbow-jab from Otacon to get him to talk. "I've been sent as a drill sergeant and combat-training specialist for the Children; to boost their battle-efficiency."

"Really now?" Misato said as she thought to herself. 'Something about this stinks like week-old tuna…Why would the Children need training in combat…Well, discipline would make more sense….But still…"

"Something on your mind, Major?" Snake asked.

"Hm? Oh, nothing," she smiled as she looked over to Asuka and Rei, who had been standing near her the whole time. "Asuka, grab me a Yebisu, ok?"

"What do I look like? Shinji?" the redhead asked as she humphed.

"Oh, I suppose you don't want to get one for me. Ok then. Rei? Be a dear and grab me a Yebisu from the fridge."

"Yes, ma'am," Rei nodded as she turned to head to the kitchen, only to have Asuka grab her arm and pull her to the side.

"Oh, I see how it is," Asuka scowled.

"I am afraid I do not understand, Pilot Sohryu," Rei responded with her platypus tone.

"You think you're better than me by doing what Misato says, don't you?"

"No."

"Ha! Liar. You know what, Misato?" the German girl turned to her guardian. "I think I WILL get you your stinking beer after all," she smiled triumphantly.

"Thank you, Asuka, I knew I could count on you," Misato stifled a giggle as her little plan worked. In a matter of seconds, the Second Child came back to the living room with a cold can of beer for the resident alcoholic.

"Next time, don't even bother asking Rei. The less of a liability that doll is, the better," Asuka whispered to the Major.

"Right, gotcha," Misato nodded as she popped her drink's top and took a swill. "Ye-haw! –Urp!-" she chimed as she felt the buzz of her beer kick in. To some, it would seem that all these new medications for allergies were flops, because the alcohol was in no way making her drowsy again, but the real reason was the effect of the quantum singularity as it was within an undisclosed distance of Misato. But that doesn't really matter right now.

"Great, I have to work with a smoker AND a drinker," Otacon laughed.

"Hey, they've come in handy, remember?" Snake stared back with a grin.

"You're a chain-smoker too, Captain?" Misato cocked an eyebrow at her new subordinate. "I would have figured that a drill sergeant and combat specialist wouldn't smoke."

"My smokes are sort of a good luck charm from previous missions," Snake raised an eyebrow at the Major with his next rebuttal. "But then again, I don't see why an operations commander would be a heavy drinker. Isn't it risky to make decisions while being tipsy?"

Misato responded with a reddened face of anger, then an exhale to calm herself, taking another sip of her barbiturate. "Well, I don't think arguing will help the fact that we'll all be working together…So! How about both of you stay for dinner, hm?" she smiled.

"Misato!" Asuka gawked. "That stubbly-faced creep saw me naked! And you're gonna let him eat here with us!"

"Shinji saw you too, and yet you're letting him make your meals," Katsuragi grinned a sly grin at her female roommate.

"Oh, don't worry, Misato," she scowled over to the kitchen. "Dumkopf-boy already got billed for HIS viewing fee. Right, Shinji?"

Shinji Ikari gulped at the menacing face Asuka gave him while she mouthed the words, 'I'll get you in your sleep' at him when Misato was busy looking away. It was at that moment that Shinji prayed that whatever heavenly or earthly powers held this world together would make him a deep sleeper tonight.

"Well, nonetheless, Asuka," the purple-haired woman reiterated. "Iroquois and Hal are still going to be our guests for dinner tonight."

"Humph!"

"Oh, Shinji dear?" Misato asked her male roommate.

"Yes?" he answered with the fear of having a terrible sleep tonight.

"Why don't you three go out and grab some instant food for all of us. I think you can use a break as chef tonight. Oh, and Rei," she then turned to blue-haired girl.

"Yes, Major?"

"Care to stay over for dinner too? I'll make sure we get non-meat foods just for you, ok?"

"Very well," Rei nodded as she headed over to the door to get her shoes on, with Shinji and Asuka following after.

"Be back in a bit, Misato!" Shinji called out as the Children left the home. Once Misato felt they were far enough away, she turned back to Snake and Otacon, regarding them with a stern face.

"Now, let's get down to this combat-training business," she sighed with a serious tone. "Why would the Committee need to waste more manpower on the Children? Isn't their life hard enough without a drill sergeant yelling down at them?"

"Bear in mind," Otacon began. "The Children ARE mankind's only hope, but the risks they take are far too perilous."

"We've seen the video and written data on the previous Angel fights," Snake came in then. "And the Committee thinks that proper training will sharpen their skills and allow them to be more precise and decisive in combat with the Angels, maximizing efficiency while at the same time minimizing the costs of their mistakes."

"But even the best soldiers make mistakes, _Captain_," Misato put emphasis on that word to stress her superiority over Snake. "And besides, the Children are only human. If you're going to blame anything, blame their hormones for being at full blast at their age."

"Be that as it may," Snake retorted. "Discipline would do them a great deal of help in both the fighting and in real life. Now, I'm not going to turn them into mindless grunts, which I think is what you're hinting at."

"How observant of you, Captain. Continue."

"In any event, I'm sure you can agree with the Committee's decision to properly train the Children will benefit us all as a whole."

Misato exhaled a sigh before chugging the last of her beverage down.

"Alright, but," she began. "I'll only let you do this under my observation and with a few conditions."

"Of course. Name them," Snake mused as he crossed his arms.

"First off, no haircutting or shaving the Children's hair. I don't want them hating this on the very first step."

"Done."

"Secondly, the Children won't have to live at headquarters."

"Fine then."

"Next, we need to come to a mutual decision on the time periods they'll be training during each day. Now, I know education is important, but Shinji and Asuka are flunking their classes, so I think that perhaps a 7-hour a day training schedule in place of school would be merciful for them and their GPA's."

"Alright then. But I suggest we begin at sunrise and end at sunset, though, making it around 10 to 12 hours of training a day," David offered.

"Hm…How about 9 hours?"

"Alright. Nine hours it is."

"Good. Now, I also have one favor to ask for your training…" Misato scooted closer from across her new subordinate.

"Whatever within reason," Snake raised an eyebrow at the younger woman.

"Yes, of course. I have two other children to add to your training roster."

"I should tell you that I'm not a baby-sitter," he scowled at her request.

"Well, bear with it anyways. The two children I'm speaking of are the same age as Shinji, Asuka, and Rei, but there's a good reason I want you to train them. According to the Marduke Report, these two show the highest probability of becoming the Fourth Child."

"So, we're taking an extra precaution, I see. Alright then. But they get the same treatment as the other three."

"Right. So then, Captain Snake, do we understand one another?" Misato stood and brought her hand out to shake with the mercenary's.

"Roger," Snake nodded as he stood to return the gesture.

"Oh, and Dr. Emmerich?" the operations director turned to Otacon, who had been silent this entire time.

"Yes, Major?"

"I hate to tell you this, but, Ritsuko's a heavy smoker too."

"Great…If the Angels don't kill me, the second-hand smoke will," he laughed, and soon the other two adults joined him.

About five minutes later, Shinji and company returned with bags and boxes of instant foods of both European and Asian origin. Or rather, SHINJI carried the food while Rei and Asuka kept their hands free to fondle one another as they kissed passi-

------------------------

A brick crashes through Schwartzwald's window with a note tied to it. He picks it up and reads it.

wE aRE nOT AmuSED.

aSUkA x ReI aCtION iS fOr fAnBOys.

NeXT tIMe, iT'Ll bE yOuR bALls We sMAsH A bRicK ThrOUgH.

YOu CaNnOT TrACE uS.

Sincerely,

The Fanfic Yakuza

"Yeesh…" Schwartzwald shivers. "Can't a guy dream?" he muses aloud as he continues writing.

------------------------

Or rather, SHINJI carried the food while Rei and Asuka kept their hands free.

"C'mon, idiot!" Asuka fumed as Shinji tried his damnedest to kick off his shoes while carrying an excess of fifteen pounds of food in one load. "Hurry up and prepare the stuff! I'm starving here!"

"Actually, Pilot Sohyru," Rei began to inform Asuka.

"Oh great, you're going to try to prove me wrong, aren't you?" the half-German girl sneered.

"Yes, because there is fault with your statement, Pilot Sohryu." She said in her monotone voice, yet still in a matter-of-fact tone. "You are in no way diminishing in body mass, and could in fact live off of the stored body fat in your thighs for several days in a row."

Rei's first mistake was trying to inform Asuka of anything. But implying that Asuka had a little bit of luggage in her caboose…Well, that was the biggest mistake of all.

"WHAT!" the redhead fumed as she ran up to Rei with a face that frightened even Satan himself. In fact, deep in the center of Earth, in Hell, the Prince of Darkness (no, not Ozzy…) was petrified of the look on Asuka's face. He then asked Beelzebub,

"Dude! Who the Heaven is that little broad?" he pointed to the image of Asuka on his TV screen.

"That's a CHICK!" the Lord of the Flies gawked. "I thought Pierre Le Fou had a tryst with a timber wolf and that was their child!"

"Unholy crap! Can you imagine what we could do with that much raw hatred?" Lucifer gulped. "We could, like, totally take on Heaven!"

"One problem, Satan."

"What?"

"We don't exist in this universe."

"Oh."

And with a puff of smoke, the legions and leaders of Hell disappeared.

"Rei, now would be a good time to run and hide!" Shinji panicked as he tried his best to put all the food in the kitchen, then scrambled to make himself into a human shield for the blue-haired girl.

"Don't get between a wolf and it's prey, stupid!" Asuka snarled as she threw a punch at Rei's face, only to have it impact into Ikari the Younger's face instead.

-THWAK!- went the boy's face as the force of the redheaded vixen's slug knocked him against Ayanami, and then sending them both to the floor.

It was then that Shinji passed out into a plane of darkness…Much like when he had to deal with the angel with the Sea of Dirac.

"Hello…?" he called out with a voice that echoed as he drifted in the abyss of darkness.

"Yes?" a voice answered from above Shinji's head. Looking up, the pilot saw a boy about his age with white hair, pale skin, and eyes bluer than his.

"Um…Why are you upside-down?" the brown-haired boy asked.

"I'm not. You are," the alabaster boy cocked his head to the side as he looked at the new arrival.

"Oh. I see," Shinji nodded.

-THUMP!- went Ikari as he fell 'up' and right in front of the new boy.

"Ow…"

"Yeah, happened to me too," the new kid laughed as he helped Shinji up to his feet. "So, who are you, exactly?"

"Me? I'm Shinji. Shinji Ikari," he answered as he presented his hand to shake.

The other boy merely studied the out-stretched hand with curiosity.

"Um, I guess you don't want to shake hands?"

"Hm? Why?" the pale boy blinked.

"Um, don't you know? It's a way of greeting people."

"Oh! I see. The concept makes sense, I just use a different action."

"Like what?"

"This," the strange boy smiled as he put his hand up to Shinji's forehead. Suddenly, a pole of lavender light pounded against his head and sent him to the ground in pain.

"AH! Ow ow ow ow ow!" he cursed as he walked up to the boy with a bewildered and annoyed face.

"Pleasure to meet you too, Shinji!" the white boy smiled happily.

"Why did that seem oddly familiar to me…?" Shinji grumbled.

"So, if you're here, that means something interesting happened and you may have died. Am I right?"

"I'm dead!" Shinji panicked. He tried to think; he remembered jumping in front of Rei to shield her from Asuka's punch. "Dammit! I knew Asuka would be the death of me one day!" Shinji moaned.

"Asuka?"

"A redhead girl that happens to be…was my roommate…" Shinji moped as he slumped to the floor in a fetal position. "I can't die now…There's so much I wanted to do in my life…Like ask out Rei or Asuka…And go to high school…and college…and get married…" Shinji moaned.

"Hey, c'mon now. This isn't the end, Shinji," the boy tried to reassure the new arrival.

"Where am I going now? Heaven?"

"Heaven? Don't be silly!" he laughed. "This is Literary Purgatory, my friend!"

"Literary Purgatory?" Shinji asked as he stood up to face this strange boy.

"Yuppers!" he cheered. "This is where all important ideas go before they're written into a story."

"My life's a story?" Shinji blinked.

"Well, yeah," the boy shrugged. "Life is nothing BUT a never-ending story, right?"

"I suppose…"

"Well, anyway, the author put you here because he or she has a plan for you in the story, or rather, a role for you to take part in."

"Um…Am I some sort of savior or something?"

"Depends. You may end up being the villain for all I know."

This didn't thrill Shinji Ikari in the least bit.

"But I'm a good person! Why would I be evil?" he panicked.

"Oh come on, even evil people start off as good, just look at the Walt Disney. Like I said, though, I have no idea what your role is in this story. You may end up being a minor character too."

"That doesn't seem as bad…"

"Yeah, cheer up, pal!" the pale boy smacked Shinji's back in a friendly way…only to have his hand pass through the now almost holographic pilot.

"What the hell! Your hand went right through me!" Shinji suddenly yelped as he saw himself slowly disappear.

"Ah, I see," the pale boy smiled.

"What do you mean? What's going on!"

"The author is calling you back to your story. Don't worry, it's all up to the plot now."

"Oh…I think I see what you mean. Oh!" Ikari suddenly remembered as he looked over to the boy. "I didn't catch your name."

"Who, me? My name's Sachiel, the Third Angel. Pleased to meet you!" the boy cheered.

"Wait, YOU'RE that Angel that blew up?"

"Yeah. Ain't life nutty? Well, if you get the chance, tell that purple chick with the horn to give me a call sometime. I really think we could have gotten somewhere if she wasn't beating the crap out of me," Sachiel smiled.

"Um…Ok…Sure…" Shinji blinked, deciding not to tell the Angel that he was the pilot as he disappeared from the plane of emptiness.

"Wow, what a nice guy," Sachiel smiled as he went back to his lonely, yet still fun existence. "I hope he gets a good role, though, it's too bad I probably won't see him again. Oh well!" he chirped.

---------------------------

Crash looks back on what he's written thus far, an evil grin on his face.

---------------------------

"…think he's coming to," a woman's voice said fuzzily as Shinji Ikari opened his eyes to see Misato, Asuka, Rei, and the two new Nerv guys all staring down at him.

"Hm? Where am I?" Shinji asked aloud as he rubbed his throbbing head.

"You're home, Shinji," Misato smiled as she helped the downed boy up to his scrawny legs again. "You took quite a blow from Asuka this time around, but you should be fine."

"Urm…" he groaned as he felt the hot bump on his forehead. "How long have I been out?"

"Precisely 21 minutes and 42 seconds," Rei clocked off as she gazed at her wristwatch.

"Thank you Rei…" Misato smiled falsely. "So, are you up for dinner, Shinji?"

"Sure…Just do me a favor, Misato."

"Hm? Sure, what?"

"Turn off the TV. All that blabbering from it is giving me a headache…"

There was a pause right then.

"Shinji? Um, the TV has been off the whole time…" Misato whispered into her roommate's ear.

"What? Then…" Shinji asked as he shook his head to try and drown out the voices. "Asuka must have hit me harder than I thought…"

"Yeah…" Misato coughed as she made a note to have Shinji's head examined for possible brain-damage. "Well, while we were waiting for you to come around, Captain Snake and Dr. Emmerich managed to whip up the food and get it ready."

True to the purple-haired woman's words, the entire living room table was cluttered with vast plains of rice, ramen, shrimp, tofu, hotdogs, cheese, raddish, cabbage, pickles, and a bunch of other stuff the author didn't feel like mentioning.

"Let's eat!" Misato cheered as the group all descended on the foods like vultures on a carcass. No one said anything save 'Pass that' and 'Thanks', and when everything was eaten (or partially eaten), Shinji volunteered to clean everything up.

Meanwhile, at Nerv…

A lone man scanned through the memory banks of the Magi computers, taking in all of the history of this world and computerverse. He gave a satisfied grin as he realized what was going on.

"So that's the little fag's plan, eh? Who would have thought he was that capable of setting all sorts of scenarios…" the man said in a growling voice while he curled his handlebar mustache.

"Excuse me, sir," Dr. Ritsuko Akagi tapped her foot impatiently (which is very hard to do in high-heels, mind you). "Who the hell are you?"

"Hm?" Revolver Ocelot looked up to the woman just a few feet away from him. He studied her for a moment and realized who she was through what he learned. 'Hm…She must be Doctor Ritsuko Akagi…' he smiled as he pulled out a bundle of paper documents and presented it to the good doctor. "Here. This is the hell I am."

The clone-killer scanned through the papers and found everything she needed to see; yet there was still something fishy about this…

"General Ivan Shalashaska of UN Special Forces?" she read the strange name aloud. "It says here that the Committee sent you too. For what purpose, might I ask?"

"Ah, well, Chairman Keele has had a sneaking suspicion about Commander Ikari for some time now. I'm simply here to investigate first-hand how well he's carrying out Instrumentality. I understand Adam arrived here not too long ago, right?"

"Yes. But I'm afraid you won't get any more information out of me, or at all, Mr. Ivan," Ritsuko sneered as she pulled out her Walther PPK she kept for just such occasions. But before she could even pull the slide, a shot was fired at the gun and knocked it out of her hands in an instant.

"Tisk tisk, Dr. Akagi…" Ocelot shook his head after he blew out the smoke from his Colt Single Action Army Revolver and twirled it around for a bit; as was a characteristic of the former Soviet. "I would have expected better from a woman with your…how can I best put it? Oh yes, 'spunk'."

"If you're trying to scare me, it won't work," she scowled.

"Scare you? No, no, my dear," the ex-Spetsnaz smiled. "I simply want to help you out, that's all."

"Really now?" the blonde woman cocked her eyebrows at the old Russian. "How can YOU possibly help me?"

"Well, what if I told you that I can give a better show than your commander?"

Ritsuko gulped at his words. Not out of fear that he could, because he probably would be better, what with Gendo being as clumsy and hasty as he was. No, she was just shocked that he knew, but she couldn't let him know that. After all, he could have been bluffing.

"Sorry, but I'm not some floozy that-"

"Oh, don't play coy with me, Doctor. I may be old, but I'm certainly no fool. You'd be surprised where monitoring cameras are here in Nerv…" This was not a bluff by Ocelot, for his time on Casper showed that the blonde really was getting it on with the older widower through Maya's 'special' observation files.

"I…Um…Ok, so what if I am? I have no shame, so don't think you can embarrass me."

"No, I had no intention of doing such a thing. Actually, I'll be fair to you; let's play a little betting game, alright?"

"I don't gamble," Ritsuko humphed.

"Then try to calculate something for me…see if you can't prove me wrong."

Ocelot certainly knew his opponent. If there was one thing Ritsuko couldn't turn down (aside from spraying Rei clones with 'Rei-Clone-B-Gone' and having sex with Commander Ikari), it was calculating things to prove people wrong.

"Fine. What's the challenge?"

"I'm going to flip a garden-variety US quarter coin in the air, attempt to shoot a hole through it, and then bet that it will land on tails. If it lands on heads, I'll submit to you and you can use me for a medical and scientific pin-cushion, and we forget this ever happened."

"And if it's tails?" Ritsuko eyed her challenger suspiciously.

"Well, I haven't been with a woman in over thirty years, you see, and I was hoping you could end my dry spell. Then, the challenge will be for me to see if I can bring you to a hirer ecstasy than that commander of yours. If I can, you get to work as my second-in-command. Sound fair?"

"I could lie, you know."

"Trust me, I know when people are lying," Ocelot laughed devilishly, giving Ritsuko a chill up her spine. It was the first chill she had ever gotten in years. The last time was when she first slept with the commander…

"Alright. Given your ballistics and your aim, I'd say that hitting the coin should be easy, however, the heads side is heavier, so it'll most likely land tails-up. However, because you'll be shooting out the majority of the coin's inner mass, it would actually counteract with the original weight and make it land heads-up."

"You're sure now?" Ocelot warned as he took out his coin.

"95 percent positive."

"Ok, here we go." And with that, the FOX-HOUND interrogator tossed the metal coinage and fired. When the target landed, the upwards-facing side showing the remains of the eagle's claws on the bottom. "Tails. I win," the elderly man grinned.

"How…? Urgh!" Ristuko humphed. "Fine, you won this first bet, but I can assure you that I'm a bit harder to win over in bed. I wasn't called the Ice-Queen in college for nothing, after all."

"And, I should warn you…Nah, I'll tell you it afterwards," Ocelot chuckled as the two headed to one of the spare Nerv Technician rooms.

Back at the Katsuragi Apartment…

"Wow! You're not too bad at cooking, you two," Misato sighed happily as she sipped her eighth beer. Shinji was already clearing things up from the front room, trying to distract himself from hearing what sounded like Ritsuko and some creepy-sounding, old man having sex…and Shinji had a gut instinct this was all going to play an important part with his role in this story…whatever the hell it was going to be.

"Dumkopf!" Asuka snarled.

"What?" the boy groaned as he put more food in the fridge.

"Hey, don't you dare groan at me like I'm some burden!" the female pilot thumped her roommate.

"Ow! Sorry."

"Gr…Listen to me," she grr'd at him in a vile whisper. "Just because I pummeled you an hour ago doesn't mean you're still not getting billed for today. So, sleep tight tonight, Shinji-boy," she grinned.

"Um…Ok…"

"Oh!" Misato exclaimed.

"Oh, what?" the German girl asked.

"I just remembered something very important. You need to hear this too, Shinji."

"Um, sure, Misato," Shinji sighed as he put the dishes and leftovers in the kitchen and headed back to the living room to sit.

"Ok then. Both of you are probably wondering about Lieutenant Emmerich and Captain Snake and what they have to do with the three of you Children. WELL, as it happens, Dr. Emmerich here will be Ritsuko's First Lieutenant and Captain Snake is going to be you three's combat training instructor for the next several weeks."

"WHAT!" Asuka screamed in anger, cracking Otacon's lenses a bit.

"Ow…Geez, Asuka, a little louder please. I don't think they heard you in Germany…" Misato groaned as the ringing faded in her and everyone else's ears. "Like I was saying, you three and two pilot candidates will be training at Nerv Headquarters for the next few weeks to boost your combat efficiency."

"What's there to boost about MY combat efficiency?" Asuka humphed. "Wondergirl and the Invincible Shinji make sense, and just who are these two pilot candidates?"

"Their names won't be revealed until tomorrow at nine when your training begins."

"And when does it end?"

"Six in the evening," Misato smiled.

"You mean I have to train like some grunt for nine hours with these two dorks and a two mystery dorks!" the Second Child fumed.

"Yup. Already approved by the commander and the Committee."

"What…How…I…URGH!" the redhead stormed off to her room in fury.

The room was silent for almost a whole minute, until Shinji finally broke the calm.

"Um, Misato, what about school?"

"Oh, don't worry, you'll be exempt for your time training, so don't worry about failing class anymore than you already are," Misato grinned sarcastically.

"Oh…Um…" Shinji blushed. "Uh…I think I better get started on those dishes and leftovers," he quickly distracted himself.

"Glad to hear it, Shinji-boy!" Misato cheered as she finished her can and crushed it on her forehead, something she hadn't done since college, actually.

"Major," Snake finally broke his silence.

"Yes, Captain?"

"Why didn't you tell them the names of the two pilot candidates?"

"Well, partially because they actually know them, so I didn't want them to think this would be just another day in class for them. But also…Heh heh…"

"But also what?"

"Well," Misato grinned as she scooted closer to the mercenary and whispered. "It's mostly because Asuka hates the two candidates' guts, so I want to mess with her and have her thinking it'll be two regular kids up until the final moment. Hehehehe!" she giggled.

"Um…Ok then…" Snake shrugged.

"Well, I suppose we should be headed back home, right Snake?" Otacon asked.

"Yeah. Catch you tomorrow morning, Major," the bearded man winked to Misato, surprising her with a warm and charming smile.

'What…? Did he just wink and smile at me? I…I'm over-reacting…I hope…' was what went through the Major's head as she felt herself flush pink…only to remember that Rei was still there.

"Uh-! Um…Rei, uh, do you need me to take you home?" she sputtered, trying to fight her blush.

"No thank you, Major," the clone girl shook her head. "I am more than capable at getting myself home properly. Thank you for the meal." And with that, the mysterious albino girl left the apartment.

Several hours later, back Nerv HQ…

"Wow…" Ritsuko awed as she took a long drag from her ninth cigarette. "Where did you learn how to do THAT?" she asked her partner as he lay next to her in the twin-sized bed.

"A little something a White House secretary taught me back in '74. Of course, I'm surprised you held out for more than seven climaxes. Most women of your prowess didn't last for more than five when I did that to them," Ocelot snickered.

"And that…THING you did before…?" the Good Doctor turned to the former Spetsnaz.

"THAT happens to be part of the training you get when you're a master interrogator for Spetsnaz," the gunman laughed.

"Spetsnaz? Just who the hell are you?"

"I've been known to not be trifled with, that's all I'll say for now. So, did I succeed at putting on a better performance than Ikari?"

"Ten-fold…" was all Ritsuko could say as she lit another death stick.

"Good to know I still have that old black magic. Alright then, as of now, you're going to be my second-in-command in spying on Ikari. Understand, doctor?"

"Sure, whatever. Just let me catch a breather for the next hour or so…Damn, I think I'm gonna be sore tomorrow…"

"Nothing a little coffee and Danish won't fix."

"Very true."

"Well, you'll have to excuse me now, Ritsuko. I need to go check up on something," Ocelot said as he put on his Victorian Western suit and boots.

"Like what?"

"Oh, just a little investment I made recently. I'll be back in a few minutes."

"Fine then," Dr. Akagi waved to her new lover as she tried to calm her still tingling body.

As Revolver Ocelot made his way to the security room of Nerv, bypassing the security codes and overrides, he came across a live-feed video of a boy with brown hair, lying in his bed.

"The Third Child: Shinji Ikari…" Ocelot studied the boy as he watched the Second Child come into his room and beat the ever-living crap out of him for a good five minutes, then leave as if nothing happened. Even then, the gunman could see what he needed to see from the result of the fight. "He's definitely the one…Now…All I have to do is wait for the right time to strike…" And with a maniacal laugh, Schwartzwald ended his second chapter to his amazing fic.


	3. Reveille

Disclaimer: I do NOT Evangelion and all its respected names, ideas, creatures, and characters, Gainax and that blessed Anno guy do. I also don't Metal Gear Solid, its characters, names, themes, and ideas; Hideo Kojima, Sony Computer Entertainment, and Konami do. I don't own the rights to any of the Elder Scrolls games, because Bethesda Software and Micorsoft do. And FINALLY, I also don't own the Irony Gods, Jeffrey, and the ASS Field; the author formally known as Shinagami and presently known as Mathis478 does. I also don't own any of the OTHER copyrighted titles, names, and brands listed in this story.

However…I do own the ideas listed here that haven't been used yet in anything, and if they HAVE, well, then I don't own anything but my lucky rocket-ship underpants.

Author's Notes: (here we go again…)

Ok, now, I need to warn all you Eva and MGS fans out there. From here on out, there's going to be spoilers for both universes. That is, there will be references to Metal Gear Solid 1, MGS2: Sons of Liberty, MGS3: Snake-Eater, and all the gooiness of Evangelion. So, if you haven't played the games yet or seen the rest of the Eva series/Death and Rebirth/EoE, you may want to stop reading this so I don't have to hear any emails or reviews bitching about 'You ruined the series/game for me, Crash!'

Got it?

Wunderbar.

'Metal Gear Eva Thingy' Chapter 3:

"_Reveille_"

The Katsuragi apartment was a quiet and tranquil home at 7 AM, no one stirring or making so much as a peep as all three human inhabitants slept. Asuka slumbered grumpily as she dreamt of being forced to do push-ups and sit-ups in the eternal summertime weather between Shinji and Rei, who were speaking in a strange gibberish that Asuka easily recognized as 'Dorkanese.' Shinji was busy dreaming about some girl he was playing in the sand with as a child, and the girl saying something about going to college together and living happily ever after. Meanwhile, Misato slept with thoughts of beating the crap out of Kaji until he said those three little words.

And Pen Pen…He was busy reading the morning paper with a cup of coffee with a squid-nugget Danish on the side.

This is not where our story begins.

Deep within Nerv Headquarters, a lone man stood before another two in a grand room displaying the tree of life on the floor and ceiling. All three men were titans of their times, the first two distrustful of the third.

"Commander Ikari," Ocelot smiled. "Such a pleasure to meet you, sir."

"General Ivan Shalashaska, the feeling is mutual," Gendo simply nodded from his desk. "I understand the Committee sent you to spy on me. Am I right?"

" 'Spy' is such a harsh word, Commander," the interrogator shook his head. "Think of me as an instructor from Seele to see to it that you're doing your end of the project correctly."

"You can rest assured that it's being carried out as planned."

"As planned, eh?" Ocelot raised his eyebrow. "I see. So, should Seele need you to accelerate the project suddenly, you'd be able to comply fully?"

"Of course," Gendo lied. The Fourteenth Angel wasn't due for a while, and the Lance of Longinus was still within Terminal Dogma, so his own plans for Instrumentality were not yet ready to take flight.

"I see. May I see where Adam is being kept?"

"No, you may not, General."

"I see. Why not?"

"Because the Committee's report never mentioned you needing to see Adam."

"Oh, of course. How silly of me," the former Spetsnaz snickered.

"Tell me," Fuyutski broke his silence. "How is it that a UN general could be so…informed on how Third Impact will be carried out.?"

"Oh," the back-stabber grinned. "Well, Chairman Keele and I go way back."

"Is that so?" Ikari the Older asked. "He never mentioned anything about a right-hand man for a job like this."

"Heh, well, even _you_ have secrets from the Committee, Commander. Am I right?"

Gendo paused for a moment before saying,

"You're excused, General."

"Of course. Well, nice talking to you two. I'll make my report to the Committee in a few hours once I see how Project E is going. _Prоshtаniе_," the spy waved goodbye, leaving the room.

"_Prоshtаniе_?" the Commander thought aloud.

"I think it's Russian for 'farewell'," Fuyutski answered. "Our general seems to be multi-lingual."

"Well, nonetheless, I'm going to need to talk with the old man about this."

As Ocelot left the commander's room, he was confronted by a young woman with short raven hair, drab in a Nerv technician uniform, and wearing a frown.

"You must be Lieutenant Ibuki," the Spetsnaz smiled as he presented his hand to shake, but all he receive was a,

"Humph!" from Maya. "You think you're _so_ smart, don't you?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"I see what you're up to, 'General'."

"Is that so? Then what, pray tell, am I up to?"

"Sleeping with sempai, pretending to be a spy from Seele; I know it's all a front. You just want Adam, don't you?"

"Adam?" he grinned. "What makes you think I want Adam?"

"You know what he can do for you, and you want to have all the power in this world."

"You think in such two-dimensional terms, young lady," Revolver cackled.

"What's that?" Maya fumed.

"I have more than just that item to acquire in this little adventure. I plan on grabbing 'it', along with a few more things along the way."

"I-…'It'?" the lieutenant gasped. "Y-You're bluffing."

"You think I would bluff for something like that?"

"You might. Just in case, I could always intervene and-"

"I doubt 'they' would let you though, lest you want to get on their bad side."

Maya gulped.

"Furthermore, what makes you think you can stop me? Everything will go according to plan, and not even you can screw this up for me."

"I could tell sempai who you really are."

"Oh? And what will you tell her about me?"

"You'll have to see for yourself." And with that, Maya darted down the hallway to the central command room, where her sempai was busy woofing down a cheese Danish and sipping a cup of Java. "Sempai!"

"Hm?" Ritsuko swallowed her bite and turned to see her second lieutenant skid to a stop right in front of her with Shalashaska walking behind. "What's wrong, Maya?"

"Sempai, the General isn't what everyone thinks he is!" the younger woman explained.

"I know already."

Maya blinked. "Y-You do?"

"Of course."

"Then you know that he's only using you to get what he wants?"

"Yes, but what he wants is what I want too."

"What…?" Maya blinked again, her face fraught with desperation.

"It's ok, Maya. No need to act up." The older woman said while whispering, "Just keep this information a secret. I don't want the commander to get wind of this."

"But…But…"

"No buts, Maya," the Good Doctor narrowed her eyes, then softened her expression. "Here, why don't you take the day off. You look like you could use it."

"Day off? Sempai, he's-"

"Maya!"

The entire bridge went silent until Ritsuko's echo subsided.

"Maya, take the day off. Doctor Emmerich will be here soon to keep things in order in your absence. Alright?"

Maya began to sniff until she bolted out of the room, trying her damnedest to not let everyone know she was crying….which they could see plain as day.

"Poor girl," Ocelot said in faux pity.

"She takes pride in being my lieutenant," the blonde sighed. "I suppose it can't be helped if she's jealous of me having a new subordinate…"

"I think she's more jealous of me, to be perfectly frank," the Spetsnaz said, smiling mentally.

"Jealous of you?"

"Yes. You mean you didn't notice…?"

Dr. Akagi blinked, then her left eyelid twitched, leading her to take a deep breath.

"I had…NO idea she was a…"

"Yeah, shocking, isn't it? I saw many surveillance files on her Magi terminal of you, especially the _intimate_ ones of you and the commander."

"Ew…! Shalashaska? Got a spare hour?"

"Hm? Yes, I suppose so," he grinned. "Are you not as sore as you thought you'd be?"

"I'll manage. C'mon, let's head to that room again. I need a good session to get my mind off this information about Maya…"

"I aim to please, Ritsuko," the imposter general chuckled as he and his partner headed to their little love-making session.

Back at the Katsuragi Apartment…

"Time to get up, up, up!" Misato announced to Asuka, who simply rolled inside her bed with her head under her pillows.

"Goway…" she grumbled. "I donwanna gotothis stupidtraining…" she murmured.

"Nope. You _have_ to go, Asuka," Misato explained as she walked over and ripped off the redhead's comforter, causing her to flinch at the sudden change in temperature. "Not going will force us at Nerv to expel you as a pilot.

This struck a sour chord with the Second Child, hence why she then leapt out of bed and glared at her guardian before hitting the shower in a flash.

"I knew you'd see things my way," Misato chirped as her female roommate slammed the bathroom door. "Shin-chan?" she then went to her male roommate's room. Shinji was tangled in his bed, holding his pillow like he would a girl…that is, if he ever managed to get that far with a girl…

"Of course…" he mumbled to the girl in his dreams that was now his age. "We'll get into Tokyo University…together…" he smiled.

Misato twitched and tried not to make a sound as the giggles bottled up inside her, rising like the fizz in an over-shaken Pepsi bottle.

'Mustn't…Laugh…!' she thought to herself as the sight grew even more hilarious.

"…But I'm still just a ronin…" Shinji continued on talking. "And I'm the landlord of the dormitory…It'll be hard for me to study to get in…"

'Oh…My…GAWD!' the Major did her damnedest to stifle her growing need to exhale in laughter.

"…But I know that we'll make it together…We promised…My dear-"

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" the purple-haired woman bellowed in hysterics as she fell to the floor grabbing her aching stomach.

"Gah!" Shinji fell out of bed in shock. "M-Misato! Wha-What were you…!" he blushed heavily.

" 'Let's get into Tokyo U together'!" the drunk continued to crack up. "Hahahahahaha!"

"Y-You…You heard me!" the poor boy panicked as he threw his blanket over himself to hide his gargantuan embarrassment.

"Every…Ahahaha!...Word!" Misato then rolled onto her stomach and began to pound the floor in hilarity.

"M-Misato! _Please _don't tell Asuka about this! She'll never shut up about it…"

"Oh…Hehehe…Ok…" his guardian panted after her laughter-fest finally died and got up…only to see that her shorts were damp now from laughing so hard. "Damn…It's official: that was the FUNNIEST thing I've ever seen!"

"Misato…Ew…"

"Don't worry, I won't tell the little devil anything. She's going to get a shock of her life anyways today."

"Hm? What do you mean?"

"Oh, you'll see, Shinji…You'll see…" Misato grinned as she headed to her room to grab her new clothes for the day. "Oh, and I call dibs on the shower next, Shinji!" she called from her closet while Ikari the Younger had already made his way to the kitchen to whip up some breakfast for the quirky family-unit he lived in. That is, he did until…

"Oh, and don't bother with breakfast, Shinji," the operations commander added.

"Why? Are we getting something on the way to headquarters?"

"No, I was on the phone last night with Captain Snake. His orders are for all of you to eat the military-issued food the JSDF has supplied us with."

"Army food? I hate to complain, but that sounds…um…unappetizing…"

"Oh, no," Misato came into the kitchen with her red jacket and favorite black dress both over her shoulder. "Military food has been designed to be good for you as well as tasty. If there's one thing I wouldn't mind eating at least twice a day, it'd be MREs."

"MREs?"

"Meals Ready to Eat. They come in a bag within another bag. The outer bag has a chemical that warms up the food and hydrates it when water is added. There's several food types, and they all give you lots of energy and nutrients. You'll love them."

"Well ok," Shinji shrugged and then added under his breath, "As long as they're better than your food…"

"Hm?" Misato looked at Shinji with bewilderment. "Did you say something?"

"Oh, um, I said they sound pretty good," the boy gulped.

"Ok. Dammit!" the eldest of the household pounded the bathroom door. "Asuka! You better leave some goddamned hot water for me! You hear me!"

"Bite me! If you don't get any, it's poetic justice for making me do this stupid boot-camp crap!" the redhead fumed as the shower shut off and she burst out, toweled and her head shimmering with water. Shinji spazzed out and looked the other way instantly, but Asuka noticed him early on.

"You! Show me your face, Shinji!" the Second Child confronted her roommate and turned his body around to face her. As she looked at the flushed face, she noticed something…or rather…a LACK of something…many things, in fact. "Mein gott, you heal fast!" she sputtered. "I gave you a full-fledged Visagoth Beat-Down to your face along with a freakin' Berlin-Flogging…And you don't even have so much as a bruise?"

"Um…You sure you didn't dream that, Asuka?" Shinji cowered. "You know, like one of those dreams that are so real and exciting that you think they're real…?"

"I know what I did, you dork!" Asuka slammed her fist into her fellow pilot's face, knocking him to the ground unconscious. Shinji found himself standing in a plane of abyssal darkness once more.

"Ugh…Back here again…" he sighed.

"Welcome back, Shinji!" Sachiel greeted him from some sort of sideways position.

"Um, who's sideways, you or me?" Shinji asked.

"You."

"Oh."

-THUMP!- went the human boy in front of the Angel.

"Why does this only happen to me?"

"I dunno, maybe the author likes to jerk you around a bit," Sachiel shrugged as he helped his Purgatory-mate up again.

"He's got one sick sense of humor…So, I'm dead again?"

"Seems that way for the moment. So, what did the horned chick say?"

"Huh? Oh…Um…I didn't get to see her yet," Ikari the Younger coughed.

"Oh, I see. Well, no rush, I suppose. Still, it's nice to have you back. And while you're here, I think you should see something new." The pale boy then led the Third Child to a large, streamlined, bipedal beast of metal with a narrow face and a long tail.

"What the hell is that?" Shinji asked. "Is it a new Evangelion? Couldn't be," he mused aloud. "It's too small to be an Eva..."

"Evanjellydonut?" Sachiel asked. "What's that?"

"Oh…Um…Well it's kind of like the 'horned girl'…only it's a robot…or part robot anyway…"

"Hm…" the Angel boy rubbed his hairless chin. "It looks sturdy…Let's see _how_ sturdy." And with a flash of light, the Angel of Water shot a cross-fire blast at the mech, only to see that it took no damage save a singe-mark on its neck area. Then, it began to disappear like Shinji did last time.

"Is the author calling it back to the story like he did me?" Shinji asked as he studied the dissipating machine one last time before it completely vanished.

"Yup. So, anything exciting going on back in the world?" Sachiel turned to his acquaintance.

"Well, I have to be trained in a military style by some guy code-named Solid Snake. In fact, I was just getting ready when I was sent here."

"I see. Well, anything unusual other than that change of routines?"

"Not really, I suppose."

"Ok. Oh, you're being called back," he pointed out to the human boy.

"Hm? Oh, ok. I'll see you around, Sachiel," Shinji waved goodbye as he opened his eyes to find himself in his home once more.

"Damn, Shinji, I don't know if combat training will be so good for you. I think you might be becoming anemic with all these fainting spells."

"Fainting spells?" Asuka grumbled. "He's just a pansy. A _real_ boy his age can take a punch from someone, even as tough as me."

"Misato…" Shinji asked as he got back up and rubbed his sore cheek from the punch.

"Yeah, Shinji?"

"Is the TV on, again?"

"No."

"Never mind then…" the Third Child sighed as he overheard a strange conversation with Ritsuko and the scary old man from before, only this time, they weren't sounding like they were having sex….

…Back at Nerv…again…

"…And the Evas can only be piloted by someone fourteen years old, because that particular group of children are the ones born without sin from Second Impact's cleansing of the world," Ritsuko rattled off more information to her lover/partner-in-crime Revolver Ocelot.

"I see. Well, I'm glad to see that Project E is going along just fine. Tell me, how have Units Zero-A through Zero-C been doing after that Angel attack?" the Spetsnaz asked.

"Oh, well, the Angel's purging actually left no contamination in the units, and we may be able to use them again for further testing once the repairs are finished. Perhaps even create a prototype unit to be automated as a decoy or support unit."

"Heh, the possibilities are just endless I guess. Well, I need to make my report to the Committee now. I'll catch up with you a bit later, since I want to see Captain Pliskin for a bit during his training session with the Children. Ok, Ritsuko?"

"Gotcha, Ivan. Later," she smiled as she patted the Russian's rear playfully and headed off to the command bridge while Ocelot opened up a Codec Communication Sequence with an operative.

Ocelot: Major Redski, this is Shalashaska. Do you read me?

Redski: Loud and clear, Colonel.

Ocelot: How goes the salvage operation? How many units have you managed to out-rig with this world's technology?

Redski: Sir! Ve have managed to out-rig five units vith the N2 mines, and in the next tvelve hours ve vill have seven more units completed. Ve have found all tventy-five units and have more than enough missiles to arm all them completely. The guidance systems are working flawlessly thus far, but ve vill still maintain a cautious stance on all units' systems.

Ocelot: Excellent, comrade. Has your presence been detected yet?

Redski: Not at all, sir! No vone has discovered our presence yet. Our position in the ruins of Old Tokyo is secure as no vone comes out here, and the electro-magnetic energies we dispersed above our operating area has prevented any aircraft or satellite system from finding us.

Ocelot: Very good, Major Dmitri. Keep me informed every two hours.

Redski: Yes sir! Oh, and I have a bit of good news too.

Ocelot: Hm?

Redski: Ve have just found the prototype model.

Ocelot: Oh? How's its condition?

Redski: The neck area is a bit burned, but the healing systems have prevented any parts from being lost. Ve vill begin repairs vithin the next half hour, vonce ve've secured it properly and camouflaged it.

Ocelot: Good man. Actually, I'll need you and a crack-shot unit to use the stealth camo and electro-magnetic shielding units that I managed to round up for a secret mission.

Redski: Vhatever you say, sir! Vhat shall be our mission?

Ocelot: I'll explain the details in an hour. For now, focus on retrieving the prototype and arming it for the moment. However, it'll be upgraded to a new model once I have you all do your mission. Understood?

Redski: Yes sir!

As Ocelot turned off his Codec, he headed over to the Geofront exits that were several floors above him. He had an old friend to see…

The three pilots and their operations director headed to the Geofront dressing room, where the Major sat the trio down at a bench, presenting them with woodland camo uniforms specially fitted to their sizes.

"Alright. Per Captain Snake and my instructions, the dressing rooms will be co-ed.

"WHAT!" both the Second and Third Children exclaimed while Rei was silent.

"Yup. Of course, I expect you three to be on your best behavior since there won't be any cameras. So, no hanky-panky, Shinji," the purple-haired woman winked at the younger boy.

"Wh-What?" Shinji sputtered. "I wouldn't…You know…!"

"What the hell are you thinking, Misato!" Asuka fumed. "Haven't you heard of decency?"

"Hey, we need you three and the recruits to be able to function together as a unit in everything you do…including eating, dressing, and bath-"

"Eeeeeek!" the redhead shrieked with a face so red that it lit the room like a Sixth House Shrine.

--------------------------------------------------

Schwartzwald gets a knock on his door. With it being the middle of the night while he's writing this, he's weary of who…or what it might be. Hesitantly, he opens the door to see a wide creature no taller than himself, drab in red and brown cloaks with a large tentacled head sporting four eyeless sockets: an Ascended Sleeper.

"F--k!" he cries as he grabs Sunder and attempts to smash the abomination in its blue-grey head…only to have the hammer leech his life within seconds before dropping it in time to remain alive in a sense. "Stupid…Forgot…Wraithguard…" he grumbles.

"Pitiful Nord…" the beast moans as its tendrils pick him up and place him back in the chair. It then spray-paints Sixth House emblems all over Schwartzwald's room and sets up red candles to give the room and occult-ish ambiance, then radioing in on a red and black walkie-talkie, "All goes according to plan…"

Schwartzwald crawls his way over to his collection of sacred artifacts and pulls out a large paper fan, smacking it into the Ascended Sleeper's face, dissipating it into nothing but its skull and ash salts.

"Back to the story..." he grumbles as he begins to type some more…

--------------------------------------------------

"Misato!" Shinji pleaded. "I know you and the Captain want us to function as a group, but…um…can't we have any privacy…?"

"For once I agree with dompkof-boy!" Asuka whined. "After all, Shinji's an insatiable little dog with only one thing on his mind!"

"That wasn't where I was going with that…" the Third Child slumped in his umpteen-millionth moment of low self-esteem.

"And since when have you not been able to defend yourself from Shinji?" Misato smirked.

"That isn't the point!" the redhead fumed.

"Well, if you don't want to be an Eva pilot, I can understand…"

"Ah…Ah…Thiiiiiiiiis SUCKS!" Asuka humphed as she turned away from the group for a moment, then glared at the male pilot with insane ire. "If you so much as THINK about my body in any way, I'll string you up by your entrails and parade your corpse through Tokyo-3."

"P-Point t-taken…" Shinji gulped in horror.

Silence deafened the room until a set of several footsteps entered the changing area. As the Katsuragi family and Rei turned to face the newcomers, they were greeted by a man in his mid thirties and two young boys the pilots' age.

"N-No…!" the German pilot turned a ghastly pale color.

"Hey, what're Asuka and Rei doing here!" Toji Suzuhara sputtered with a blush.

"Yes! Co-ed changing rooms!" Kensuke Aida rejoiced, then slumped as he remembered that he didn't have his camera with him.

Asuka fainted for the first time in her life, giving a mighty thud to the floor.

And in Germany, several million modern-day descendants of the mighty Germanic tribes felt a quick but sharp pain in their hearts, as if a great hero had suffered a terrible blow.

…And then Schwartzwald posted his chapter.


End file.
